At the restaurant where I work, there is a great guy who we’ll call Patrick. Patrick is 23 and got a job as a busboy during his post college year, while he applies to Medical Schools.
Patrick is everything a girl should want in a man. He is tall, handsome, stays in shape, is very intelligent, and gets along with everyone. He is so friendly and likeable at work that he just got promoted from busboy to bartender.
Patrick likes a girl, Jackie. Jackie is a cute 19 year old hostess who works at our restaurant. I often see Jackie at a local bar I like to frequent, and as I have a girlfriend do not care to hit on her. She is very attractive, and is always getting hit on aggressively by some dude who is way below her league. From what I know about her, she seems like a sweet girl although I am not so sure after what she told me when drunk the other night: “I love tinder because I’m an attention whore—I don’t even like going on dates with those guys.”
To reiterate, she called herself an attention whore.
Back to our good guy, Patrick. Patrick has been trying to hook up with Jackie for the last few weeks. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear that Jackie is very much into him, even though they did make out a few weeks ago. I asked Patrick how his date went the other night, and he actually texted me back an emo response, very uncharacteristic of this happy-go-lucky guy: “Nonexistant, she bailed but I did end up getting pizza and doing the crossword.”
Ouch. I felt for Patrick. I’ve been there too. I think we all have: friend-zoned by that one girl who seemed to be the best ever.
Patrick’s situation reminded me of the time I had the biggest crush on a girl, Kathy, during my freshmen year of college. She was attractive, smart, and liked to party and smoke weed—all of the qualities I was looking for in a girl at the time. I tried to bed her, but to no avail…she said we were better as ‘friends’ and ‘studybuddies.’
I found out a year later that she had been banging a deuschy, tattoed guy who was into shooting guns and drinking exclusively 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor because he was too cheap to go to bars. First I was angry, then I was just confused.
But years later, I now understand exactly where Patrick and I went wrong with our respective girls.
As a general way of understanding where we went wrong, we gave approval too fast. Once the girls stopped wondering if we liked them, there was no need for them to chase or go further—the mystery was over. Any tension of attraction between us and our ladies had evaporated.
This theory was confirmed by Jackie herself a night ago when she was very drunk when I ran into her at a bar, and thus speaking with zero filter for political correctness:
“So many guys just give in to me and do whatever I want…but I actually like it when guys don’t put up with my shit.”
Ah, the problems of the very hot girls. Guys bow to them. Probably because they take advice from girls on how to deal with girls. Yet they actually want to be denied.
How many times have you heard the following, in reference to romantic success:
1) “Give them what they want.”
2) “Tell her how you feel.”
3) “Be nice to girls.”
On the surface, these might not seem like bad ideas. But in general, these are what friend zoned guys with Patrick Syndrome do.
1) Friend-zoners take girl out to a nice dinner and buy her drinks before she has demonstrated that she is worthy.
2) Friend-zoners tell a girl right up front that they like them while barely knowing her real personality (this always works in the movies, not in real life)
3) Friend-zoners do not correct girls and tell them that whatever behavior they are exuding is great (e.g. getting hammered, being slutty, not responding to texts), and stick around even after the girl has made it clear through her actions and/or words that no sort of romantic relationship will ever happen.
How to treat Patrick Syndrome
It’s long process, but I can get you started. Essentially, a man should do the opposite of the above.
1) A man does not invest a significant amount of time or money in a girl unless she shows, very clearly, that she is interested in you romantically (i.e. puts out) and that she is a quality enough girl to be worth it. This means the first date should be something like drinks at a cheap bar or dinner and a movie at your house. No expensive dinner dates until she earns it.
2) A man gets to know a girl’s real personality before complementing her. When you tell a girl after a first date with no chemistry, or in a bar before you’ve been on a date, that you like her, do you know what she is thinking?
This guy doesn’t even know me. He’s just trying to sleep with me. He probably just likes me for my boobs.
However, when you tell a girl, after a series of dates where you’ve had a fun time/and or conversation together and you say with a big smile, “Hey you are okay Jackie. You actually have kind of a nerdy dorky side…it’s cool though I like it,” you know what she is thinking?
Wow. I think he actually likes me for me. And he gets a side of me that not a lot of people get. We have a great connection.
3) A man does not put up with a girl’s unacceptable behavior. You decide what those standards will be.
Do you still want to try to see a girl if she cancels on you twice?
Do you want to try to be the boyfriend to a girl who enjoys having one-night stands with guys she hardly knows from Tinder?
If a girl takes 2 days to answer a text of yours, do you think she is dying to talk to you? Are you going to then desperately text her back a response within 15 minutes?
The Intellectual Bro-clusion:
The game has changed, my friends, and conventional romance advice no longer works the vast majority of the time. This is not my Grandfather’s day when he could go fight honorably for our country in World War II, meet my attractive young Grandmother at the sock hop, and blow her away with his and then plan on a lifetime of commitment (still married 62 years).
But you know what, my Grandfather also doesn’t put up with my Grandmother’s shit.