This morning as I was trying to enjoy my day, an MSN dating article hit me in the face. The article is titled: “13 things men still don’t know about women.” At first glance you might think the article is a piece of vanilla fluff. Unfortunately that is not the case. I wish I believed in God so I could pray to him that no one else was reading the article and developing their worldview in any way shape or form from it. The list follows, with my thoughts below each:
1. Sometimes, we’d rather sleep alone: We don’t always want to be held.
Make sure you can recognize the difference between a girl who is putting out that ‘hit it and quit it’ vibe and the ‘I’m feeling a need for security’ vibe, mmmkay? Very important decision could be the difference between 0 and 15 years.
2. We prefer “comfort” bras.
So DON’T expect anything especially lacy or whatever the fuck that dirty thought was that just entered your mind. SHAME ON YOU!
3. The longer you date us, the less we shave our legs.
You gotta learn to love those prickly legs…personally, a little leg stubble while having sex really gets me going! GRRRL POWER YAYA
4. Sometimes we’re in a bad mood just because: It’s not “that time of the month,” so don’t ask.
How are you supposed to know if it’s that time of the month, you ask? You PLEBIAN! You should be keeping a calendar of your lady’s cycle…so you know if she is in a ‘regular bad mood’ or if it’s from something egg-siting her body (Yep, that egg joke just happened). WTF does it matter anyways? I can’t ask my GF why she is pissed off? What planet art thou on, o author of msn?
5. Put it in writing: We expect a card with the present.
6. Maid to Order: We’re not your mother: This should be pretty self evident…We are not here to pick up after you, and we don’t want to nag you about it—but we will if we have to. So don’t make us.
Sorry, Betty Frieden, looks like we’ve got a long way to go for complete gender equality if msn is still posting about guys who won’t clean the house. So let me help you out and repeat for my penis-having brethren: PICK UP YOUR SHIT and you’ll be rewarded somehow…with blowjobs I’m guessing? Oh What’s that? Last time you cleaned the house you got a verbal ‘thank you?’ Then when you were a total asshole you pissed her off so bad you had to have make up sex and it was awesome?
7. Sharing Is Caring: We always want half of your dessert
I honestly don’t think the author realized the punchline being set up when talking about women eating more dessert. But this much is certain: Accepting Fat Acceptance is here and it’s real. Like it! Love it! Want some more of it!!!
8. Looking Back: We will judge you—and ourselves—by the women you dated before us.
Even that land beast (who gave AMAZING head) who I banged a bunch of times when my friends weren’t around? Don’t beat yourself up too much! She’s pretty hard to match up to!
9. In the Know: We expect you to remember our birthday. And the name of our first dog, where we went to college and how we like our eggs. Is that too much to ask?
I would go a step further and add: make sure you write all this personal information of your lady down on your first night out. Constantly bring this up on the second date, and I guarantee you get laid. Oh what’s that you say? You say you tried that before and it got you nowhere? And then you read this stupid misogynist blog that told you that girls like assholes and it all made sense why girls go home with bros who couldn’t give two shits about birthdays?
10. Blues Clues: We notice your jeans.
So guys, you better hit the gym. Maybe while your lady is finishing her dessert.
11. We don’t want you to be better dressed or have better hair than we do. Yes, we want you to look good, but in that rugged, manly, didn’t-try sort of way.
Basically, be born with good genes that make your butt look nice in jeans!
12. Take Charge: We want you to make the first move. As long as you’re a well-adjusted guy with emotional intelligence, trust yourself to know when a woman is into you. We want to be approached, we want to be asked out, and we want you to be confident enough to do those things.
Just don’t say one of those stupid pick up lines. Say the smart one. You know the one I’m talking about. Say it with authority.
13. One of a Kind: No two of us are the same. We don’t all love to shop, drink cosmos and watch romantic comedies. While some men think that “you know one woman, you know them all,” each woman has her own unique history and habits, her own endearing quirks and idiosyncrasies. Embrace them!
Finally, some REAL advice! What I don’t understand is why no one is out their giving the following equivalent advice to women about men:
Ladies, remember that no two guys are the same. We don’t all love to watch porno, smoke cigars, and play sports. You might think that you ‘know one man, you know them all,’ but each guy has his own unique habits. Some of us may even like to get drunk and play video games in our parents’ basement! Embrace those quirks! They are what make men men! Porno and Videos games! Bros rule! Marry us!
This is a gender neutral article like girls enjoy taking an awkward dicking from a hipster. This is the world we live in though…where this shit passes for normal.
Well, I guess we better learn to enjoy our…